Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman on Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love | PoP 349

Ever wondered how to go beyond clinical work? Wanting to delve deeper into couples therapy? Needing some advice for becoming a speaker or trainer?

In this podcast episode, Joe Sanok speaks with Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman about some behind the scenes stories, what its like for 2 marriage experts to get into a fight, the origins of some of their greatest research and implementation, how to market yourself as a speaker and a trainer.

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Meet Dr Julie Schwartz Gottman

Dr. Julie is the Co-Founder and President of The Gottman Institute. A highly respected clinical psychologist, she is sought internationally by media and organizations as an expert advisor on marriage, domestic violence, gay and lesbian adoption, same-sex marriage, and parenting issues. She is the co-creator of the immensely popular The Art and Science of Love weekend workshops for couples, and she also co-designed the national clinical training program in Gottman Couples Therapy. She is author/co-author of five books: Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, And Baby Makes Three, The Marriage Clinic Casebook, 10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy, The Man’s Guide to Women, and forthcoming in 2019 , Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.

Find out more by visiting the Gottman Institute website, Pinterest, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn or YouTube.

Dr Julie Schwartz Gottman’s Story

Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman was born in Portland, Oregon. She completed her Bachelor of Arts (B.A.) in Psychology at Colorado College in 1974. In the years following college, Dr. Julie completed an M.Ed. in Community Mental Health Counseling from Northeastern University Graduate School of Education in 1976 and later, lived in India and Nepal for a year that included serving people in poverty in Calcutta. After returning to the U.S. in 1979, she earned a Master of Arts (MA) in Clinical Psychology in 1981 and Ph.D. from the California School of Professional Psychology, San Diego in 1985.

In This Podcast


In this podcast episode, Joe Sanok speaks with Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman about the origins of some of their greatest research and implementation as well as how to market yourself as a speaker and a trainer.

Dreams Within Conflict

When couple’s are gridlocked in conflict, taking very opposite sides, they’ll escalate their quarrels. They’ll sweep it under the rug sometimes because it’s too big, too scary to talk about and they’ll have huge fights.

There is a solution to and a better approach to take:

  • Slow everything down
  • One person is the speaker and one person is the listener
  • The listener is not allowed to bring up their own point of view until its their turn to be the speaker
  • The job of the listener is to read some questions that Dr’s John and Julie Gottman have devised, in the order they are written
  • Those questions take the understanding of the other person’s position to a much deeper level

The Clinical Application of the Research

Nothing is purely prescriptive in the clinical world.

You have to take a couple, where they sit in the moment and then connect with where they are. Then help them process what past issues may be contaminating their current communication. You have to zero in on where the couple is and where the individual is.

What Clinicians Should Focus on

Normalize a mistake they’ve made or regrets they have by sharing a story of when you’ve done something similar to that.
  • Offer a sliding scale
  • Be very sensitive to the language of your clients
  • Listen to the humor that they might use
  • Share a bit of a personal story

Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

In this book we created 12 topics of conversations, including the questions that couples could discuss with each other.

This book is a really entertaining, fun, but informative way to know how you might want to enhance your relationship if you’re already in one, if you want to go deeper in your committed relationship or if you’re in a new relationship and want to know if it has potential to be a lasting relationship.

Going Beyond Clinical Work

Experiment in small ways and grow it big.
  • Tailor your focus – what are you really passionate about and who do you really want to help the most
  • Put together a talk about what you’re passionate about, make sure this includes research
  • Start reaching out to give free talks

The Gottman Institute have put together Level 1 Training which will give you new insights into treatment for couples who struggle, using proven assessment techniques and intervention strategies. To get started today, save $50 on the Level 1 online course when you visit gottman.com/joe

Books by Dr.Julie


Other books mentioned in this episode:


Useful Links:

Meet Joe Sanok

private practice consultant

Joe Sanok helps counselors to create thriving practices that are the envy of other counselors. He has helped counselors to grow their businesses by 50-500% and is proud of all the private practice owners that are growing their income, influence, and impact on the world. Click here to explore consulting with Joe.

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